Which one are you?
The Craftsman – You roll with the guy for 5 minutes and get tapped 5 times. The guy is good but even he doesn’t know exactly what he’s doing. He just sees something and tries for it because he knows the joint doesn’t bend that way. You’re learning moves together as he taps you out.
Mr. Goodwrench – This guy just tools you. Not for any negative reason, but just because he knows his stuff. If you go hard, he taps you for being over-aggressive, if you go light he taps you for not pressuring and thus giving up position. If you are in between he just controls you and sweeps or reverses you at will. When you look at him in disbelief he just looks at you like “What… did time run out?”
The Pretzel – Every move you’ve ever practiced becomes difficult because this guy can get into positions that would make a pretzel cringe.
The Risk Taker – This guy does such unexpected, often ridiculous stuff that ends up working because you weren’t expecting a back handspring guard pass or head stand to armbar from halfguard, etc.
The Mailman – This guy takes the same route for 2 years and gets caught in the same submissions or set-ups every time. He never changes his guard passing routes, and becomes totally predictable.
The “just got back from Rio” Guy – This guy is good, and since he just spent 6 months training his ass off in Rio he is super smooth. But he wants to make his home school into the place he trained in Rio. He shakes hands with everyone in the room before sitting down to stretch asking “tudo bem?” He answer’s his cell phone “fala”. He speaks in portuguese with the instructor when he talks about how to beat someone without wanting them to know it. He counts in Portuguese. If you want to get on his good side and get him to show you some cool shit he learned down south, just ask him about his time in Rio, he will be more than happy to tell you about it. Everyone who goes to Brasil is guilty of this when they get back…
Pre -Excuse Guy – This guy has to tell you of every ailment, injury, pain, he has in his body, to not allow you to attack those areas. “Oh dude, my (insert body part) been hurting, so no (insert submission) today” Sometimes this guy goes into pre excuse emotional problems he has, and how it will affect his training. If he’s been really shitty on the mat lately, it?s because he broke up with his girl, and he’ll let you know about it, so you understand why he stinks.
The Laugher – This guy rolls with you and is constantly laughing at everything to make the roll so friendly that you won’t push any competition against him, or hurt him in anyway. You’re rolling and get by the wall, “Hahahaha…. dude we’re way too close to the wall, I didn’t want us to go through the wall….hahahaha…could u imagine, kaplosh!! Then we went through the wall and everyone would look and be like OH SHIT THEY WENT THROUGH THE WALL..Hahahaha”
Your Best Friend (Talker) – This guy is very similar in his thinking, to the laugher. As soon as you start rolling, this guy wants to know what you did over the weekend, what you’ve been up to, how you’re great with the ladies, and your’re good at BJJ. Again this guy thinks being overly friendly prevents competition.
Drama Guy – This guy is somewhat tough, but as you push the rolling, sometimes your feet hit his head (incidental), or you go for a cross face, and everything you do is a HUGE injury to him. He constantly stops training to let you know that your finger almost touched his eye, and how he needs a 5 minute timeout, because it left him completely in a daze…he’s confused at where he’s at now. This guy I hate the most, because he literally kills training with all the drama he puts into every tiny incidental contact.
Practice Hero – This guy stinks, so you roll easy with him, and he’s convinced he can “come up” in the rankings by tapping you, so he’ll go wild out and try hit some crazy heel hook in an effort to get noticed in the class, and loved by the teacher. He trains balls out with zero technique….he wants to be noticed by the entire class
The Internet Forums Guy - This dude never trains but comes in every couple of weeks to let you know all the updated info he has on the MMA game, and how he knows so much more than you do, about what’s going on with rival teams in Brazil.
Dominic’s Apprentice – goes to class 4-5 days a week, works his ass off. But no matter how hard he tries he just doesn’t get any better. He’ll get caught in the exact same armbar 10 times a roll. He still can’t defend the triangle choke. And he gets mounted by everyone.
“Gotta Go” Guy – This guy always “has to go somewhere” at the exact moment when class shifts from technique/drills to rolling. “Yeah, I got a conference call in two hours…”
Reformed Gangster (Troublemaker) – This guy usually turns out in the long run to be the coolest, or the biggest douche bag in the short run. This guy covers all forms of troublemakers or gangsters. Each one of these guys comes in with a huge chip on their shoulder, and they get HUMBLED so quickly. After tapping them 6 ways to Sunday every rolling session, as the months go by (if they continue to train), they completely lose their hard gangster persona…. its funny to see the transition of some cholos to just a tough ass calm dude down the line….
The “Professor” – rolls around like any other guy and can have any skill-level but when you finally get his back and struggle to choke the shit outa him he goes wait, you’ve got wrong mechanics… wait you gotta do like this.. More like that etc. He lets you understand that he didn’t get caught and he’s not about to get the shit choked out of him, in fact he’s just in the process of showing you how to choke.
The All Hat No Cattle Guy – Has every PRIDE and UFC on tape, has every BJJ book ever published, every BJJ instructional video/DVD ever produced, has a wide range of gis to choose from, has at least 10,000 posts on the UG, can recite the contents of bjj.org from memory, and sucks at BJJ; will be awarded a blue belt in about ten years out of pity.
The ‘Good Move’ Guy – He’s similar to the instructor, in that he can’t accept tapping. So if you are transitioning to a triangle choke, and he’s kind of sunk, but before you fully finish the hold, he’ll tap and give it to you. This guy always taps on the transition to a move, not the move itself, and says “Good Move ” like he let you catch him….and considering he didn’t tap when you completely had the choke sunk in, you didn’t really beat him.
The ‘Let’s Go Light’ Guy – Guy who then proceeds to decapitate you and tear you limb from limp with neck cranks and head squeezes
The Gasser – Goes all out for 30 secs and blows his wad. Then taps when u get a dominant position
The ‘this is my first lesson’ Guy – which translates to ‘this is my first lesson here’ but I was an NCAA div 1 wrestling champ and trained in Brazil for a few years
The Spy – This guy comes in one day, is very friendly, seems to know a lot about BJJ scene and says he’s from out of town. He rolls and blends in with the students, seems like a very promising prospect for the club. Result: You never see him again after the first class and months later when browsing a competition’s website you see the mother****er in their seminar photos being one of their “regulars”.
The Farting Machine Guy – Guy that always farts every single time he rolls. Knee on stomach…. FART! Mount…. FART! Try to push out of his guard…. FART! Even in north/south…. FART! In your face! FART! FART! FART! Nothing like an ass-in-your-face stink sub.
The Shadow Boxer – The guy who has some striking martial art experience (usually a TMAer who can’t accept the fact that his black belt is being rendered useless by these 150-lb. guys who tap him relentlessly) and decides to feign it in BJJ class. While rolling, will throw fake shots, to simulate a Vale Tudo match. Convinced that a punch will change the pace of the match from anywhere, in the clinch, from his guard, while mounted by someone much better. Usually, this specimen’s actions can be halted with a quick leg grab/take down while he is throwing a knee from the clinch.
Takada Guy – His one goal is to not tap under any circumstances, considering that lasting is almost like winning. This guy mounts no offence at all and concentrates exclusively on tucking in all his extremities and ‘nullifying’ your game. After a round of wasting your time and his, will give you the “you couldn’t tap me, so we’re about even in skill” look and gasp his way to the sidelines to sit the next roll out.
‘One Move Wonder’ Guy – This is the guy who manages to get really good at one position/submission and only goes for that one particular move. While somewhat impressive in the beginning, this is the eternal blue belt that dominates the beginners but never develops the rest of his game. Normally seen with a bronze or silver medal at the local tourneys.
The Former Star Guy – This guy used to be one of the best in the class, able to do anything to anyone whenever he wanted. Stops training for a while, comes back and gets all disappointed that other people have actually improved and gotten better than him since he left. Usually decides to train hard for a week or two to regain his position, but gets frustrated quickly when he doesn’t immediately become godlike. Very often decides to write a book about grappling or discuss game plans with others instead of actually practicing or rolling.
The “Getting Serious Again” Guy – is my favorite. He has been training for as long as you can remember. He comes to class after being out for a while and always says the same thing..”Man, I (insert excuse like injury, wife or g-friend, kids, work, car trouble, finances), but I’m back for good now, you’ll see me here everyday!” and then he again disappears after like 2 weeks of training. 3 or 4 months down the road…repeat above sequence.
“Just wanted to let you know I’ll be back Tuesday” Guy – The guy who you never ever see but calls you or e-mails you every month to tell you he’ll be there “Tuesday”.
The Asshole – First day for any whitebelt, the asshole will try to heelhook them, neck crank them, or otherwise grind the shit out of them just to feel an ounce of power. Since the asshole won’t train with any serious challenges, however, the whitebelt will eventually surpass him, and the asshole will mysteriously disappear from class.
The Future Champ – He is pure Bigger wanna-be carioca, knows the names of every BJJ champ and the latest gossip from the UG. He talks about being Mundial champion from whitebelt, yearns to move to Brazil to train, is always looking to do another seminar or private with a Brazilian, and yet does not attend class regularly, always has an injury or excuse when it’s time to compete, wants to drill rather than spar, and talk rather than drill.
The De-Man-izer – This is the small person (often a girl) who will single out the biggest, highest ranking male she can find, then fling her tiny body at him and proceed to beat him down and tap him within an inch of his life. Often, her victims will lose all testicular fortitude, cry, and quit the sport for life…
The Tough-Ole-Bastard – This is the guy who started later in life but despite his age, he is tougher than 90% of the twenty-something’s. He can get kneed in the head, kicked in the groin, or have his arm near torn off, and barely grimace as he continues to grapple (often against someone a lot bigger).
The Tougher-Older-Bastard – This is the guy who started even later in life and despite a host of injuries, does 1hr of circuit training before class, grapples all the good/big folks in class despite being injured, and then bikes the 20 miles home telling everyone he’ll see them tomorrow for morning class.
The Codger – This is also an old dude who just does it for fun. Against new people, he trash talks–”Can you feel the armbar coming? Can you feel it?” Against better people, he still trash talks “Missed that choke? Something not go as planned?!”
The Bleeder – This guy got a mat burn the first time he rolled and has been knocking off the scab every time since.
The Can you Show that Again Guy – This guy never has a good enough angle when the instructor demonstrates the move. Once the drilling begins, he usually has to watch the people next to him do the move at least two or three times before attempting it himself. He sometimes resorts to calling the instructor over and asking a question before he even attempts the move.
The Overly Humble Guy – This dude is a really good bjj guy but he’s humble, and scared as hell . This guy will tap you at times, then immediately talk about how he sucks, and you’re so much better and it was pure luck….to get over that initial awkward feeling between you two, when you just tapped to him.
The Take Every Advantage Guy – This Guy can always be found taking any advantage he can get while rolling. If starting on knees, he’ll stand up to get leverage. He’ll accidentally rip one of your fingers back to break your grip. He’ll poke you in your butt to get you to stop from going for that leglock. When you finally get him in a bad position, he’ll ask you stop for a minute “because we are too close to the wall,” and then he’ll want to restart back on the knees. This Guy acts this way because he treats every training session as the Finals of the Pride Grand Prix.
The Lazy Possum – This guy has some skills but he fights really lazy and defensively most of the time and you think you have his number. But on occasion when there’s an audience or some chick watching he decides to bring his A game and you’re in a world of surprise, the guy suddenly becomes Marcelo Garcia on the mats.
The Gassing Giant – This guy is an ex-power lifting bouncer type who throws you around for 5 minutes, but then winds up on his back and as soon as you think to yourself “now it’s my turn” he suddenly becomes too exhausted to continue and quickly says “let’s take a break man”.
All Knees and Elbows Guy - A squirmy bastard, usually an explosive athlete, you dominate this guy, but you feel like someone put you in a sack full of knees and elbows and started to shake it violently. After rolling, you are bruised up, if not cut.
The Ex Kung Fu or Aikido Grandmaster Guy – He always reassures you in the fact that he is a blackbelt in some traditional style , as you start to roll he grabs you with a death grip from hell and will never pull guard , even after two years of training. You pull guard and sweep him with a basic butterfly guard because if you pull closed guard he just grabs and pinches your arms making it not worth your effort. You pass his guard and mount, and even after being told 253 times that you cannot wrist lock a guy and throw him off from the bottom mount, he tries it again, and you start salivating from his arm being extended as you slowly move into the armlock.
The Judoka Guy – Similar to the “name that sub” guy, but this one names the sub in Japanese “yeap, that’s juji-gatame” and every time the instructor shows a technique he nods his head and name it in Japanese.
The No-Responsibility Guy – This is the young guy who is maybe 20 yrs. old who lives at home. His mom washes his gi, make him dinner, and all he does is go to 2 college classes a day and trains the rest. He is always saying you should come down to train Wrestling at another place or Striking at another, meanwhile you have a 9 to 5, wife and kids and a mortgage…LOL
The Lot Shark – This guy drives to jiu jitsu, trolls the parking lot to make sure none of the guys who hand him his ass cars are there before coming in.
The ‘Early Retirement’ Guy – Taps you the one time in his life and then retires “one up” for life.
The Steven Segall Grappler – Tries to take you down by tweaking your wrist….just cant believe that shit won?t work.
Street-Tough Guy – Guy who watched a couple UFC’s and decides to come down to the gym and “fuck people up.” This guy inevitably picks the weakest looking member of the gym and demands to roll with him. Unfortunately for them, the small little guys they pick are usually awesome technicians and they destroy the tough guy. I love playing along with the student when the tough guy demands to spar him. I’ll say stuff like “Do you want to roll with this new guy? Are you sure? He outweighs you and looks pretty mean. If you’re scared or nervous it’s ok.”
The “Heel Hook Hero” Guy – This guy has no idea how to pass the guard and he doesn’t want to learn. All he wants is to fall back and do his best Ken Shamrock impression. When he meets someone who won’t fall for it he convinces himself that he can beat the guy if he just trains a few more leg locks.
The Pressure Pointer – Usually a black belt in some other form of martial art who once you mount him or working on choking him, he’ll try to do some kind of pressure point prior to tapping.
The “Challenge The Weakest Antelope In The Pack” Guy – This is the guy that stands around or stretches when everyone first starts rolling. Then when a new white belt takes a break from rolling, he hops on the mat and says “hey lets roll a bit’. He then proceeds to own the fatigued white belt with an assortment of wild crazy subs.
The Natural – some guy, usually young, comes into the gym and at first gets beat all over the mat, but slowly and surely every week, he gets better. After one week, you can no longer have your way with him. After two, you can only catch him with your best moves. After three, you are struggling to tap him. One month passes and you are tapping each other. Another month and the roles reverse. This is the natural. He will soon tap people you’ve never even gotten close to.
The False Technician – Every class this guy’s going up to somebody wanting to show them a ‘new move’ that he’s invented. If he considers you ‘technical’ enough he will let you drill his patented omoplata to triangle to armlock to kneebar to toehold combo with him. The major problem with this guy is that he can’t pull any of these moves off on anybody save for the newest guy. The false technician gets owned by almost everybody else and burns with hate for those who school him on the mat with a simpler but more solid game.
The Human Vice – The beginner who plays football or lifts, who’s sole form of defense and offense is to latch onto your head and squeeze with all their strength. Then you simply sit in the dominant position, usually side control, until they become exhausted let go and then tap 3 seconds later when you go to knee ride or mount
The Lurker Guy – This is the guy who will sit on the wall and watch you train for an hour w/ every upper belt in the class saving his energy. Then you lie on the mat exhausted, will come up to say “wanna train?” but will never train w/ you when you are fresh.
Sweat Dripper Guy – Some guy that sweats buckets that DRIP on your face when he’s in your guard. You pretty much have to tap as his sweat pours into your eyes, mouth, etc.
Rigormortis Guy – His plan is to not let you do anything you want to, by grabbing your sleeve, pants or whatever and holding them at arms length. He doesn’t really care if he gets swept or not – as long as his arms remain frozen stiff…he’s won!
Parkinson’s Disease Guy – A close relative of Rigormortic Guy, He displays the same brilliant strategy as rigarmortis guy, but makes it extra special by shaking violently due to muscular fatigue I imagine.
Commando Guy – Thinks that all forms of underwear obviously restrict his game and hence chooses to go without. Nothing like a testicle rubbing on your inner thigh to freak you out and let him pass with ease. (Does help sharpen your north/south position escapes though.)
“You Have No Time to Tap” Guy – The guy that thinks that hurting your teammates is a necessity in jiu-jitsu and will put his hips into every armbar, triangle, choke, heel hook etc. Gives you no time to tap whatsoever and pops your elbow until you decide you don’t want to roll with the freak anymore. The guy may even be apologetic afterwards but if you feel bad why the fuck didn’t you give me a second to tap?
“The Wrestler” - Never does the takedowns the BJJ instructor shows because they are inferior, and even when you are drilling that move shows you the “real” way to do it. Always stands up in your guard and you always have long grueling matches with him but he never taps you out. However, your neck is always sore for the next two days because he has such good head control.
The ‘Instructor’ - He’s the 34 year-old, chubby guy in the corner with the knee-braces who never rolls anymore b/c he’s recovering from a neck injury (for the past year or so). That doesn’t prevent him from sharing his “encyclopedic” knowledge of grappling with anyone with the misfortune to sit within 15 feet of him. He’s “best-friends” with the instructor. He’s been to every UFC, every local seminar in the past 10 years, and has memorized every instructional video and book available, and will tell you about every possible variation, especially moves that wouldn’t work on a person in a coma. Oh, and the Professor will be getting his purple belt “any day now” — “just as soon as my neck’s better.”
The Groaner – It is the guy who sits down to roll and groans like his body is 100 years old. He touches every joint and makes facial expressions like he is overcoming all odds to roll……then bam, he attacks with a fury on unsuspecting guys who feel sorry for him. Then after the roll, he staggers off the mat wincing in pain or discomfort, and then repeats the steps above on other victims.
The Puny Human Guy – He doesn’t want to use (or you to use) any strength at all (as if Bjorn were supposed to develop telekinetic powers). Whenever you tap him, he’ll look disgruntled because, of course, you only got him by using strength.
The Attention Deficit Disorder Guy – You think he should be force-fed an overdose of Ritalin before every class. He’s rolling with you, but at the same time he’s listening to every single conversation happening on the mat, and paying some attention to every other fight. He’ll give advice to the guys rolling near you AS he tries to pass your guard, he will laugh at a joke someone made on the other side of the mat space when you have him in side control, and he will also interfere with someone else’s conversation when he is in your guard. One sure way to tap him is pointing to the entrance and say something like “what’s Royce doing in here ?” and then take his back as he begins to look around. Oh yeah…he’s the guy who is always babbling when your instructor is showing a technique too…
The Stinky Guy – We all know one. Take an f’ing shower once in a while.
The Nail Guy – Looks like you just rolled with Freddy Kruger afterwards.
The Nasty Sweaty Zitty Back Guy – Come on man, keep your shirt on
The Preparation Guy – this guy takes 30 minutes to get ready back stage while the class is doing pushups. He tapes every finger and toe with damn medical tape for some reason
The Holder – Thinks getting you in North-South for 30 minutes= success.
The Pre-Tapper – This guy has such a quick mind that he’s able to tap 3-4 moves ahead of an actual submission!
The 'One Trick Pony' - this is the guy who ever since he was a white belt has perfected one move and one move only. He can get it on Rickson Gracie with his eyes closed. Make him do something else, and he's lost.
The Spaz – Closely related to “Let’s go light” except he doesn’t try to fool you into thinking he’s going light before he goes spastic. This guy usually is medium sized and just goes crazy in every position available. If you’re on your knees trying to work for position he’ll often either bum rush you or try the traditional shove, the spas will push as hard as he can from every position and often with much force so it’s almost a punch, the spaz is also prone to slamming out of submissions.
The Latecomer – This guy shows up to every class exactly when the grueling warm-up is over and is always fresher than everybody else come rolling time.
The Dumb as a Rock Guy - This is the one that you try to teach him a technique and he just won’t get it. After 3 month of drilling upa, he’ll say: “ok, what arm do I grab again?”
The Faux Gay Guy – He finds it humorous to act gay and scare people on the mat with it. He is known to tie his t-shirt under his gi, or challenge other people while lisping on the mat. Sometimes he will make sexual gestures while rolling while rolling while the victim has no clue why the rest of the class is laughing. He often requests the instructor to put on 80′s new wave when he turns on the radio.
The ‘Won’t Let You Practice’ Guy – This guy is the HANDS DOWN WORST guy to practice with. Whenever learning a new technique, or sweep…anything, this guy wont let you do the move (during practice not rolling). This guy comes in different forms.
1. He won’t let you do the move, because he resists it so much, so you’re never able to learn the move properly…and you look like an ass because everyone else in the room is doing it, but you can’t because of your “tough as balls” partner. His constant resistance makes you look like crap in front of the instructor.
2. This guy won’t let you learn the move properly because he collapses before you’ve completed the sweep. This guy is like a loose ass piece of paper. You’re transitioning for the sweep, before you even kick his leg to turn him, you find he’s already on his back, and he most likely pulled you on top of him to full mount. Yes, this guy makes you look great, but in the tournament you get your ass handed to you, cuz for some reason, your opponent turns into Douche Bag #1 who resists!!
The ‘Can I Try Something On You?’ Guy – While rolling, this guy (who has never tapped you, and will never tap you) says something along the lines of “Hey, can I try something on you real quick? I just want to work out the mechanics on something…” He puts you in his rear mount, sinks the hooks in, and violently puts you in a choke at the exact moment the instructor walks by, you tap, and the instructor says to the guy “Very good! You’re showing much improvement!” and looks at you with a mild look of disbelief on his face.
The 'Hunker Down' Guy - While rolling, this guy gets in your guard and will not budge. He buries in there like a parasite and will wait till you make a move. Not only is this frustrating and annoying, but the other guy normally uses this as his 'patent' move and think its good. Usually due to fear of being submitted, or bested so when in doubt...wait it out! This is usually an indicator of this persons game overall.
The WhatChaWeigh Guy – Whenever he taps to something, he asks what his opponent weighs. If it’s even 200 grams more than him, he nods as if to suggest that he only lost due to weight mismatch. He has probably asked you your weight at least once a week for the past year. (Note that when this guy fights smaller people, he forgets to ask)
The BackFromGym Guy – Seems to only come to class on days he has worked out at the gym. Lets you know that he is tired and weak from his work out. Makes sure you know exactly how much he benched that day.
The ‘I Suck’ Guy – Any time he gets tapped by someone at the school he starts loudly talking about how much he sucks. He keeps repeating this over and over until someone notices and reassures him that he’s good. If anyone ever agrees with him that he really does suck, he sulks and doesn’t come back to class for about three weeks.
